Thursday, July 15, 2004

There are at least two sides to Grace

There are at least two sides to Grace. One half of me wants to run and the other wants to stay. I'm so exhausted and my thoughts and feelings are a sort of jumble.
I spent most of the last two days looking for work with no success and I'm not feeling really positive about that at this point and then there's Louise and Sam. One minute I'm celebrating my freedom and the next I'm taking care of them. In a way it doesn't seem fair. I was thinking that I could move but that's crazy. I can't move because I don't have the money for that and besides I just got here. I haven't even set this place up yet.
Yesterday after spending the entire day speaking to store managers and filling out applications I was so tired. Half the time I didn't even know where I was. It's easy to get lost in Brooklyn. As usual when I opened the front door I could hear Louise yelling but this time it was different, she sounded like she was hurt. I started to run up the stairs and when I got to the landing she said, "Honey, you're home. Something's wrong with Sam." She was crying and her mascara was running down her cheeks. I wanted to scream myself, what did she mean, "Honey, you're home?" Yes, I'm home but that doesn't include her and Sam or does it? She asked me to come in and have a look at Sam. I didn't want to but she was trembling and she had this sad and desperate look in her eyes, I couldn't say no. The place has a long dark hallway that winds around and leads to the living room and kitchen and there are all these other doors leading to who knows where. The living room is really large and Sam was stretched out on his back on the floor gasping for air. His face was bright red and the whole place smelled like beer and sweat. Sam was only in his undershorts and I could see that with each breath his huge stomach was rising and falling. It was one of those moments when I ask myself, "what am I doing here?" It felt so unreal. Louise hadn't called 911 so I asked her where the phone was and I did. A little while later we were all together in the back of an ambulance. When we got to Methodist Hospital they rushed Sam into the ER and Louise and I were sent to the waiting room and that's where we stayed for the next 5 hours. Louise was crying off and on and saying how I had saved Sammy's life and I was thinking to myself that I don't know how I got mixed up with them. Then it was my turn to cry. Louise wears a lot of jewelry. She has big hoop earrings and rings on each of her fingers even her thumbs. She also wears about ten bracelets on each wrist and has about six different necklaces. I guess she wears all of the jewelry that she owns all of the time. Anyway, she worked a ring off one of her fingers and told me that her mother had given it to her. It's the most beautiful ring that I ever saw. It has a deep red oval shaped stone surrounded by little pearls and there are these triangular blue stones on the sides. She said that her mother hid it during the war and that when she gave it to Louise she said it would always keep her safe and now she was placing it on my finger and telling me that it was blessed and would always keep me safe too. That's when I started to cry. It made me think of my own mother and how I wished that it were she there giving me the ring and how I have nothing of hers and probably never will. I couldn't stop myself from crying and Louise was holding my hand and telling me that everything would be all right. She was crying too. She had such a look of love in her eyes and told me that I'd saved Sammy's life and maybe I had.
Sam was admitted to the hospital and Louise and I didn't get home till after 2am. I'm so tired and don't really know what I want. I'm looking down at this beautiful ring and it makes me feel so sad, I'm unemployed, alone and wearing the ring of a princess. Life is strange. I know I'll never go home because there really isn't one to go to any more but is this my home? I feel lonesome for the things that are gone. I can't stop crying and my heart is breaking in two.


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